Question of the day | When he loves me...

"I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I recently decided to go natural last year. He never showed any interest in my hair so I never asked him how he felt about my decision prior to going natural. Recently, I asked him and he told me he prefers me with straight hair. I love my natural hair, but I also want to feel attractive to my man. I am at crossroads.

I've been an avid reader of your blog and I think I read somewhere you are married. Have you ever experienced this? If so, what did you do?
-Tina


FYI, I am gonna give my answer to this question, but I want to hear from you first. What advice would you give in this scenario?
11 Responses:

My question would be how good have you got at styling? When I was newly natural my style game was pretty poor. The longer I had natural hair the better I became at styling and the more compliments I got and I also gained a lot of confidence.
So I w ould say everyone has that period where you maybe aren't feeling as attractive but it gets better. Do you!


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This is definitely a tough situation. I started dating someone last year and a week later I made the drastic decision that I wasn't going to straighten my hair one night. I felt so free! I received so many compliments, that I well...sorta forgot about...him.
For once, I wasn't stressin' about what people were going to think of me. I just did it. Days later he told me he loved the new look.

Now, that was a "new" relationship and I was prepared to chuck him the deuces if he had a problem with my natural tresses. Seriously.

The situation above is a little different because the relationship has been going on longer. But if you’ve been together that long (and are looking to the next step) he should love you no matter what. Even if you decide to take the Solange or Amber Rose plunge; looks shouldn’t matter.

I also feel that when a women rocks something with great confidence, she looks good. And who can look down or give a side eye to such a beautiful display of confidence?

I can understand why a man might prefer straight hair, I mean…that’s all they see! You can straighten your hair every once in awhile, if you want to. But, you can also play around with your natural hair and really get creative with styles. I don’t think you should feel pressured in trying to re-impress him. He’s already impressed, right? You’ve impressed him for 3 years.

I guess my basic advice would be…do what makes YOU happy. Find the look that YOU love. Because when I look good. I FEEL good and no one was can tell me anything :). And that’s the truth. Maybe you need to talk to him and let him know how important this is to you. Sometimes men don’t realize how important our hair really is to us. This isn’t just a hairstyle, sometimes it’s a movement, a lifestyle, a mentality, etc.

Okay, I’ve rambled enough but I hope this helps a little.

Good Luck.


I also agree with the other ladies.
I was dating a guy when I bc'd and didn't really consider asking him about it before I did it because it was a personal decision. He didn't care and really liked my hair afterwards so I guess it worked out. But even if he hadn't, I would've cared less. It was my decision that I was completely happy with.

Like Whit above, I had not been seeing him as long as you've been seeing your guy but similar to what she said, if he really loves you this should not be an issue.

It's about what makes you happy. What makes you feel complete. And if he really is connected to you and like a man truly in love, he wants you to be & to see you happy and fulfilled. I'm just sayin'.

And like the other comments, confidence is huge. It is the biggest attractive trait. So maybe once you get comfortable with your hair and styling it, your confidence will skyrocket. And trust me, all will be well.

Sorry for the slight rambling.
Hope it works out for you.


I think its great that you went ahead and did what you wanted with your hair! Personally I haven't been the same situation. I've had my hair natural for a long time so when guys meet me, that's what they get. Anwyay, my mom and dad have been togetehr for 20+ years and my mom has tried every style including a very low haircut (my dad usually cut it for her). And he prefers her without all the extra hair,lol. So go ahead and keep wearing your hair neat and with confidence and you should be fine.


I was dating my husband at the time....he liked it the wrong I liked it. Like he's not a fan of short hair and he wasn't feeling it when it was all dry and struggling. The better care I took of it the more he liked it.


I'd say now is the time to show him that you can be just as beautiful, just as attractive with your natural hair. That means making sure it's always in top condition and coiffed perfectly... trying different styles so he can see the versatility that your hair has... and just overall taking pride in it holding steadfast to your own admiration of it.

He may be attracted to straight hair because that's all he sees presented in an attractive light. But you can show him that your hair has just as much glamour, just as much style, just as much flyness as any straight style. And if all else fails, just take him somewhere where other people (ahem, men) are sure to compliment you on your hair. That'll get his attention REAL quick. :o)


Everyone has preferences. If you were to honestly sit down and write out a list of physical characteristics of a "perfect" man, would it honestly look just like your significant other?

It is okay for him to "prefer" your straight hair but as long as he still loves you and finds you desirable, then you should be able to work through that.

Explain to him your reasons for going natural and educate him on your hair. He will understand your decisions more and get used to seeing you that way.


A man will respect you when you make him respect you. If you are always changing "yourself" or aspects of yourself because of his feelings towards you, he has nothing to respect, because you demand no respect. Gain confidence in who you are, and he will respect you and all of who you are. Love yourself for who you are, and you will find that others will love you for you. If you change for him, you will regret it later, because you are not living for you. Remember, that if the two of you are to get married there are other decisions, later in life, that you will want to make for yourself that he may not agree with. If you continuously place your decisions in his hands, you will wake up one day feeling like "who am I" and "do I know what I truly want". Be you. Be confident. Be bold. He will respect you for being just that- YOU.


I like what Shanna said.


I can 100 percent relate. My sweetie and I have almost been together two years. I decided 7 months ago to transition. When he met me I had armpit length relaxed hair. To help in my transition I've been wearing a lot of wigs and half wigs. Something he totally doesn't like. I've explained to him why I wear them and he's grown to appreciate them. He has made comments about other people with natural hair that have discouraged me but I continually remind myself that this is a journey for me and if I have to lose him as I discover new dimensions of myself then oh well.

I'm on this earth to please my Creator not a man. I love my sweetie but if he can't get with the program I will cut him off right along with my big chop :-). I agree with the comments of all these ladies. Look good, feel good and he won't be able to resist u, regardless of your hair doo.


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